Hair of the Dog
by netetou
Summary: Sirius can't stand to be around Remus and neither of them are quite sure why... (Remus/Sirius) Author's note: I'm a newbie, so reviews are greatly appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

Sirius was going insane. Why else would he find himself wanting to rip Remus to shreds?

Ever since they had gotten back from Christmas break, he felt like he was walking a thin wire. _Everything_ Remus did drove him up the wall. It was odd considering they had spent most of the break together with no incident.

Lupins had a little cottage out on the moors and they had spent the break there. James had abandoned then after finding out that the Evans girl would be spending the whole break at Hogwarts. Peter had stayed as well; favoring James's genial teasing over Sirius's moods and the prospect of sleeping alone in the house while Remus turned in the cellar and Padfoot paced by the barricaded door.

It had been almost fun. The two boys flew there on their brooms as it was only two hours hard ride from the castle, and they'd managed to make a race out of it. Sirius had insisted on complaining about the cold and spent most of the time in dog form, but they both welcomed the companiable silence. Remus had turned two days after they had arrived and spent the rest of the week recuperating. Sirius had found it easier to comfort him in his dog form, which never hesitated to curl up next to Remus and lay it's head in his lap as he stared absently at nothing, battered and glassy eyed.

By the end of the week, Remus was eating again without Padfoot nipping at his ankles, and sat bundled up in the unruly snowcapped garden as Padfoot chased rabbits through the snow, deliriously happy to be running under the sky again.

x x x

He smelled Remus before he saw him. It was a scent that kicked him in the chest, breaking his train of thought and instantly setting him on edge.

"You're up early." Remus said. He collapsed into the chair across from Sirius, who replied with a grunt.

Sirius looked down at his oatmeal and tried to compose himself. He focused on his now congealing breakfast, the chunks of apple and flecks of cinnamon, and the sounds of the half-empty Great Hall as other students ate theirs.

It _was_ ridiculously early. They still had over an hour before their first class together, and Sirius was only here because he thought the others would still be in bed. He had just wanted a few moments of quiet to think without Remus walking, sleeping, studying, or _breathing_ next to him.

Sirius took a moment to adjust to the sound of Remus's steady breathing. Adjusting to his smell (Irish soap, peppermint, damp hair, and just _him_ ) and maddening proximity took more effort. He risked a glance at his friend… and instantly regretted it. Remus looked the picture of health expertly shoveling eggs into his mouth as he skimmed through a large book. The color was back in his cheeks and the bruises had faded. His brows knitted together and a focused wrinkle had etched itself into his forehead. Sirius was examining his infuriating face when a pink tongue creeped out to lick some invisible offending substance off of Remus's top lip.

"I'm going to kill him." The thought formed right before Sirius suppressed the urge to sink his teeth into Remus's neck. He picked up a spoon and filled his mouth with cold oatmeal, chewing slowly.

As if he could sense that he was the subject of inner turmoil, Remus looked up at him absently, without really seeing him. Whatever he was reading was puzzling him and he gazed absently at the air above Sirius's head and released a soft resigned sigh.

A low growl of frustration snapped them both out of their thoughts. As Remus shot him a wide eyed look that morphed into one of concern, Sirius realized that the desperate, almost pleading sound was coming from him.

He slackened his jaw and stood quickly.

"Don't feel well, going back to bed." He strode towards the large doors leading out of the hall. He didn't wait for a reply. His excuse sounded pathetic, even to him.

He slowed his pace as he got further away from the Great Hall. He stopped suddenly, startling a trio of first years, as he realized that he wasn't sure where he was escaping to. After a moment of thought, he turned towards the Gryffindor dormitories.

Maybe some more sleep _would_ do him some good.

...

Author's note:

Hello! Thank you for reading :) this is my first time publishing fan fiction (and my writing in general to an audience of people I don't know personally) so please feel free to post comments as they will be greatly appreciated!

I might also be open to short story requests (HP is best but if it's another fandom I'm familiar with, ill give it a go) as that would give me more ideas.

A second chapter is in the works. Thanks again! x


	2. Chapter 2

Remus wasn't sure why Sirius was avoiding him, just that he was.

He had noticed it as soon as they had returned from Heather Cottage. He only needed to step foot into the same room as Sirius for the other boy to slink away to whatever dark corner he disappeared into when Remus went looking for him with no luck.

In his secluded cubicle, tucked into a receded alcove of the Hogwarts library, Remus Lupin sighed dejectedly at the sight of his still blank parchment. The assignment would have been simple enough had he not been so distracted. He had spent the last two days back at Hogwarts in what could only be described as the early stages of emotional implosion. Every time he thought about Sirius, his chest grew tight and he felt as thought his whole existence could crumple into itself.

It hurt more than he cared to admit. If _Sirius_ could grow to hate him, what chance did he gave with James, Peter, or even Dumbledore. Maybe they were beginning to see the parts of him that he tried so hard to drown in daylight.

Winter was always the hardest. The shorter days plunged him so quickly into darkness that it took all his strength not to crawl back into bed and wait for the safe, assuring sunrise.

Nights were rarely safe for him anymore. The nightmares had begun after his first full moon; they had been infrequent and sporadic but now it was every night. He was plagued with horrifying images, more than images, of himself. He changed painfully, hurt innocent people... and even, to his horror, created monsters like himself.

Lately, he would also find himself fantasizing about ending the fear and pain, still with the knowledge that he had not hurt anyone yet. He would imagine walking to the bottom of the lake and relinquishing himself to whatever lurked down there, or more simply, flinging himself off the observatory tower.

He didn't plan on doing either, but those thoughts calmed him when he was at his worst. A fact that sometimes troubled him as must as anything else.

He gave up on the assignment that he had meant to finish over the break, packing up his parchment and quill and tucking the large book on the history of magic education under his arm with some effort. He would be late for his first class if he didn't leave soon, and Defense Against the Dark Arts was the only class that he wasn't fed up with by now.

x x x

"Where's Pads? I haven't seen him all day." James hissed conspiratorially in Remus's ear as Professor Slughorn allowed his students to mill about the potions class looking for partners.

"In bed still I suppose, said he felt sick this morning." Remus felt a twinge of guilt at repeating Sirius's obvious lie, and then a wave of annoyance at both Sirius and himself that he had done it without a second thought.

"Alright... well, I'm pairing with Evans." Remus shrugged at sat by an unclaimed cauldron, then shot a knowing smirk at James, who rolled his eyes and rushed off to claim the brilliant Muggle-born girl before anyone else did.

Remus ended up pairing with Clemency Mortrouge, a fellow sixth year from Gryffindor. She was nice enough and seemed to know her way around a potions cupboard, but even so they both had trouble with the Draught of Sleeping Death. Every so often Slughorn would pass by and peek into their cauldron and give and ominous 'tsk' that neither felt boded well for their little dormouse taste-tester.

"This is ridiculous" Clemency whispered fervently after the Potions Master's third round, "The class is almost up and it doesn't look anything like the book says. I've got half a mind to quit my N.E.W.T.S if they're going to torture us like this for the next two years, we can't possibly learn anything if they don't give us time to get it right!"

Remus was murmuring in agreement when Slughorn began to splutter praises from across the classroom.

"Magnificent! Just... absolutely... good job my boy!" Slughorn exclaimed. Remus looked up, craning his neck just in time to see Slughorn patting an slightly indignant Severus Snape across the back. Snape looked like he would object at the assault, but settled on a gloating look that seemed to be directed mostly at James and Lily.

"Fifty points to Slytherin. Oh, and Miss Evans. Yes, yours isn't bad at all for a first try, ten points to Gryffindor. Though, I should add that Severus's potion is also far from done..." Slughorn began.

Snape's indignation turned to open disdain as he sensed the beginnings of criticism.

"I'm still simmering it, sir. I would have added the Hellbore in a few minutes, but it seems you haven't left us enough time. Not that your story on how you single-handledly invented the cure for wuzzlepox wasn't absolutely _fascinating_." A chuckle rippled around the class as students packed up, and Slughorn's elation was visibly dampened as he dismissed them.

Remus caught up with James and Lily as they headed back towards the common room. He could sense that James was more than displeased about Snape, but knew that he would restrain himself in front of Lily, thankfully. Remus just didn't have the energy or will to tag along with James as he taught Snape another 'lesson'.

The trio entered Gryffindor common room, and as Remus was making his way up the stairs leading towards the boy's dormitory, he felt a prickling on the back of his neck that made him turn around just in time to spot Sirius slipping out through the Fat Lady's painting.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius was trying to convince himself that avoiding Remus was the best thing he could do for him, for the both of them really. He still felt guilty sneaking around the castle, and more than a little silly camping out in the roomy secret passageway, the one behind the large mirror on the fourth floor, like a runaway child that dared not go too far from home. He had been carrying the Marauders Map with him all day, occasionally bringing it out to assure himself that Remus was nowhere in sight or smell of him.

The common room had been a close call; he'd fallen asleep in a large armchair facing the fire and luckily neither Remus or James had spotted him. He had roamed the halls for quite a bit until he could no longer ignore his hunger and went looking for a house elf in the Hogwarts Kitchens, hoping he could talk one of them into rounding him up an early dinner. He'd eaten practically nothing at breakfast and had spent the better part of the day in the library trying to figure out what in Merlin's name was wrong with him. Remus may be driving him crazy, Sirius told himself, but at least he had the self-awareness to know that he shouldn't.

Being near him filled him with this unfamiliar, hungry feeling that made him want to punch him in the face just so it would stop. He hadn't wanted to admit it, but even if he felt more in control when Remus wasn't around, a jab of bitter loneliness would form and grow in the pit of his stomach until he saw him again. The map helped with that a little. He wasn't proud of stalking his friend's every move, but it did help a little to know where Remus was, and imagine what he was up to from a safe distance.

With some help from the librarian and a few more white lies, he had found what he was looking for. It had been quite enlightening and extremely unhelpful. In fact, he would probably have to avoid Remus even more now, possible move schools, change his name, maybe blend in with the muggles.

He wasn't seriously considering any of that, but he suddenly felt even more lonely at the thought of not living with James anymore. Over the past year, he had become accustomed to having a family, and warm, happy parents that cared about him. They scolded him and James when they caught wind of school pranks, and sent him Christmas presents, and congratulated him on his OWLs.

"I must look a sight," he mumbled to himself. "Bundled up in a dark hole feeling sorry for myself". To his credit he had tried to make the passage livable. He'd 'borrowed' blankets and pillows from a linen closet while he was down near the kitchens and a large rug from one of the hallways on the fourth floor that he was sure no one would miss.

Remus's bed was right next to his in the dormitory, and there would be no avoiding him if he spent the night there. The secret passage was cold, but at least it wasn't wet or drafty.

Sirius was congratulating himself on his resolve and determination when the door to the passage creaked open.

x x x

"Lumos."

Sirius bolted upright from his nest of blankets and turkey sandwiches and turned toward the door, wand at the ready, only to be blinded by the bright light.

"What are you playing at you prat?"

Remus lowered his wand and Sirius stood, allowing him to now see his friend's face. He shivered, partly from the cold but mostly because Remus's face was contorted into an expression of anger that Sirius had never seen quite so distilled.

Remus was never angry. He sighed, and pouted, and had this disappointed face that made Sirius want to stand in a corner with his face to the wall... but he was never this angry. He looked away.

"Well?!" Remus stepped closer in what Sirius assumed was meant as a threatening gesture, but all of a sudden they were much too close. If he looked up, he could probably count every freckle on the other boy's face illuminated by his still glowing wand.

"Back off!" Sirius snapped. A stunned silence punctuated the fierce anger being directed his way, and Sirius took the opportunity to brush past the other boy.

"Where the hell are you going now!"

Sirius had barely registered being pushed up against the wall before he found himself overwhelmed by the smell of peppermint, firewhisky, and Remus Lupin.

"You're drunk." He said it as calmly and evenly as he could, which was a feat considering that he was simultaneously considering how easily he could overpower his slightly shorter, and slightly swaying friend... and how much he seemed to really, really want to.

"Just back up... please? I don't want to hurt you or anything, I wont go anywhere I just need a little room." He was looking up at the ceiling now, and it had come out quieter than he had intended, almost a whisper. For a moment he thought he would have to repeat himself, but then Remus let go of his sweater and shuffled back unsteadily.

"Why would you hurt me?"

For the third time that day, Sirius went against his better judgement and looked right at Remus. He really needed to stop doing that.

'I preferred it when you were angry' was the first thought that crossed his mind. The next one was "God and Merlin. If he keeps looking at me like that I really am going to have to kill him'. Anger and disappointment were one thing, but the look of accusing, unrestrained hurt that Remus had trained on him was quite another.

Oh God... and why the hell was he so drunk?


End file.
